Garfield In Along Came A Splut
by Bagel Brain
Summary: Garfield is having a weird day while relaxing at home, and once a Splut comes along to spread chaos, it just gets weirder and weirder from there.


GARFIELD HAS A BAD DAY

By: Kilroy Smythe Umbrick

WARNING: If you have not read the works of Sigmund Freud, do not read this story, it will make no sense to you at all.

One sunny day, in the magical land of Springfield, Garfield was sitting around in his house playing Simon and Garfunkle music at full blast, which had shattered every window in a five mile radius. Garfield, however, was too lazy to turn it down or clean up his mess. For he was far too busy playing a crunchy video game called Metroid, which is about a guy named Metroid who has to save the whales and resusicate the Mama Bran, who wants to commit genocide on the human race; and we all know that's not nice.

Suddenly, Garfeld has a bad case of the munchies, so he throws the controller at the screen, which causes it to erupt into a shower of explosive sparks and send glass flying, one piece of which goes out the window and impales the head of Abraham Lincoln, because he is supposed to be dead. Odie the dawg intrudes on his noble path for sustenance (Garfield must eat every 2 minutes or he will die a horrible, slow, painful, excruciating, agonizing, terryfying, crunchy, saturating, horrifying, insignifying, unindignifying, unbelievable death). Garfield roundhouse kicks Odie in the face, sending him flying out of the house and to the moon.

After devouring three years worth of Cheese Nips, Garfield, in a truimphant feat of mankind, euphorically expands his legs in a motion to propell him forward in a way that takes advantage of the quantum physics of mass, weight and gravitational pull (jumping, for people too stupid to read a history book) to reach the door and get his newspaper. Convieniently, Garfield breaks his fist trying to smash through it to reach the newspaper, and he is too fat to freudianly force himself through the doggy door that is far too small, so he just opens the door instead, which burns the fur off because Superman used his heat vision on it.

SUDDENLY, a wild Splut (an evil flying, sentient pie that tries to murder Garfield in some ironically karmic way) appears. Garfield is so terrified that his bowels implode from the mere sight of it, so he slams the door shut with a force that would make the Hulk look like it would take the strength of a man who could move a mountain to break a toothpick. The Splut smashes through the door, with the pov of the camera coming from its eyes as it chases Garfield through the house, who tries everything in his power to stop the abomination against mankind to no avail, in a chase similar to Evil Dead II.

Garfield briefly incapacitates it with a flamethrower, but this only lasts one hundred millionth of a second before it resumes the chase. Garfield throws it off the trail by telling it "I'm over there." by pointing down the hallway, and it goes that way (pies don't have brains). Garfield, unable to access the Batcave beneath the house (which is 30 miles long) jumps out a window and lands on the street unharmed (albiet leaving a crater in the pavement where he lands). Suddenly, the DeLorean from Back to the Future shows up, and Doc Brown steps out and screams "I WAS FROZEN TODAY!" Garfield pays him 20 bucks to ride the Delorean and snaps his neck (but dosen't kill him, and he graciously parts with the car for the money to pay for his neck) and steals the vehicle, and takes off,  
with the Splut in volcanic pursuit.

Suddenly a Terminator flying machine shows up and tries to kill Garfield as he runs down everything in sight in desperation (excluding fruit carts, which Garfield adores more than anything in life itself)-among these victims is Ronald McDonald (who is out of a job right now and can't even afford a Happy Meal and has become a nihilistic death seeker, so he is more than willing to let Garfield run him down to end his hollow life of product placement) and Fred Fish, who screams "MY LEG!" when his appendage gets run over (even though by all accounts it should be a fin, since fish do not have legs). He also smashes through the car of Popeye Doyle, who was also chasing someone else, as well as the Batmobile, and Lex Luthor, who was stealing forty cakes, and that's terrible.

Due to Garfield running down so many people, the vehicle is losing speed and puts him in dire danger of being hit by the pie, but then Blade Runner shows up, running on blades at 100 miles per hour, and gives Garfield a much needed push of speed before the pie uses its magical reality warping powers to turn him into a pony (he gets better). And the page turned, and the Yoshi's grew happier.

Garfield suddenly remembers that the vehicle can fly, and activates its flying function and takes off to the sky. He takes off high into the sky, reaching escape velocity (with the pie still chasing) as he reaches outer space. By chance, the Empire had the Death Star stationed outside Earth, and was about to fire its superlaser on the planet. Garfield dodges out of the way whern the superlaser fires, which winds up in the path of the Pie, which completely blocks the beam, deflecting it into several different directions (one of which destroys Krypton later on). It flies right into the Death Stars cannon, and destroys it from within by hitting the core, and then continues chasing Garfield.

Garfield then triggers light speed (done by using a black piece of cloth with holes cut into it and a light behind it, which a camera with no shutter then dollies into, creating the "Streaking light" effect*) and gets away-but then the Pie triggers DOUBLE light speed. Then Garfield goes 100,000,000 miles per hour. And then the Pie goes 100,000,001 miles per hour. Then Garfield goes 100,000,000,000,000 miles per hour. And then the Pie goes 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles per hour. And then Garfield goes 100 sextillion miles per hour, and then the Pie goes 101 sextillion miles per hour, and then Garfield goes 100 ("Would you give it a break, already? We've already broken every speed limit in existence.")

Then the Pie and Garfield fly up to the Stargate over Jupiter, where they both end up colliding with a monolith there, and fuse together in a seemingly big bang like explosion. Ten seconds later, Garfield, who has now become a Star Child, is now hovering over the planet Earth, ready to trigger the next phase of human evolution, as he stares into the camera with big swollen eyes, gives a dreamworks attitude expression and says "Drink more ovaltine."

Finis

P.S. Odie meanwhile is living on the moon to this day.

P.S.S. For reasons involving a horrible accident with a baboon fused with a cat, Jon Arbuckle was unable to make an appearance in this story. He is currently underdoing surgery, and may be eligible to become the next Robocop, because he has no life and thus can be rebuild anew.

P.S.S.S. The Ugly Barnacle was scheduled to make a cameo appearance as a Monolith, but declined an appearance at the 11th hour due to his hideousness killing the producer and the entire quality assurance department.

* That bit about the Star Wars Hyperspace special effect? That was actually how it was done in the movies! Simple, yet practical!


End file.
